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Thursday, April 28, 2011

RD: Reaper's Door is pleased to welcome Miss Havana for an interview today.

MH: Why, thank you Reaper's Door. I trust you counted your coffee cups before I arrived.

RD: (Blushing while silently re-counting cups) Ah…yes…I…uh.

MH: Just kidding. I have plenty of cups from my last interview. Do you mind if I call you just plain Reaper?

RD: Not at all. And since you've already scored your quote of cups, it is especially good to have you. What do you wish to enlighten us with today?

MH: I just read South Dakota passed a law requiring counseling at pregnancy help centers and a three-day wait before having an abortion. Frankly, I think it would be better to require men to have counseling and a three-day wait before having sex.

RD: Ah…that’s not exactly what I had in mind, Miss Havana. Can we ratchet the discussion down a notch or two?

MH: Oh, sure. You probably want to know about my new release, right?

RD: (In stunned surprise) You write?

MH: I give advice…unique advice…and I’m the glamorous star of the novel, Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! Frankly, I’d rather talk about myself than a stodgy old novel writer.

RD: Okay, what makes you special?

MH: Excellent question, Reaper. Despite my many shortcomings in The Substitute, I still managed to impress the Big Guy. Imagine my surprise when He freed me from hell and placed me on probation at the outskirts of heaven – a once in an afterlife opportunity – a chance to prove I’m not totally evil after all. Death is kind of permanent; second chances are nice.

RD: But all your friends are in hell! Weren’t you lonely?

MH: Ah, it wasn’t so bad. My daughter loaned me the shadow creature Waldo when she could find him, and I even got to abuse Senator Wansworth again. That was fun. In fact, once I got The Brazilian out of my hair, I got to inhabit whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

RD: What do you mean by, “inhabit”?

MH: (Snickering) It’s like haunting, but with more control. A powerful spirit can make a body do anything. It’s like you’re the puppet master, and the living are your toys.

RD: Who’s The Brazilian and, dare I ask, why such a strange name?

MH: (Deep sigh) The Brazilian was my guide. He was supposed to show me the ropes and keep me out of trouble, but the slacker abandoned me before finishing his job. He probably had more waxing to do, but I guess that’s the answer to your second question. What a dweeb. Can you believe he’d interrupt a perfectly fine sexual encounter at precisely the wrong time, just to prevent me from stealing pleasure from the living? Give me a break! Being a spirit can be taxing! All work and no play makes for a boring afterlife!

RD: So your afterlife is boring?

MH: Oh, no. Not at all. I was speaking in general terms, about spirits with less ambition than I have. For those willing to take charge, say, by becoming the Angel of Death, things can be positively enthralling.

RD: You don’t mean THE Angel of Death, do you?

MH: Well, no one was doing the job at the time, so why not me? After all, you really don’t have to be an angel to do that particular job, you just need a finely honed sense of irony.

RD: So you just assumed the position on your own? Isn’t that like taking over the President’s job without holding an election?

MH: Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have, and maybe I got my hand slapped. Truth be told, I was accused of using a chainsaw when the real Angel of Death would have used a scalpel. I wasn’t making great strides with my twelve step program, so I needed to do something dramatic to deflect attention away from my lack of progress. Besides, I never understood why there has to be twelve steps? Why not something more manageable, like two or three?

RD: I assume you mean a program to overcome your addiction to evil, that twelve step program? How far did you get?

MH: Yes, that’s the one. Frankly, I had a real problem with step one. I’ve never been powerless over my addictions, although I probably should have lied about it. We lie about everything where I’m from.

RD: Are you lying now?

MH: I’m not sure. What was the question again?

RD: Are you lying now…about not being powerless over your addiction to evil?

MH: How about another cup of coffee? I’m really dry.

RD: Of course. (Rustles around looking for a cup) I don’t get it, there were seven cups here a moment ago. (Looks around at empty guest chair). Miss Havana? Where are you?

The Substitute – Paranormal Comedy by Solstice Publishing. This novel offers a hilarious romp through the final days of Miss Havana’s life, her trials in purgatory, and her afterlife with Lucifer.

The Substitute Blurb: Miss Havana’s public persona was far from the truth because, in her capacity as substitute teacher, the small community where she lived knew her as the breathtakingly beautiful young woman who demanded every student learn, but in her private life, ostensibly caring for aging parents in Chicago, she raced through the lives of powerful men, leaving a wake of destruction…and a deep desire for revenge. Little did she realize her conflicted life would end in a chaotic death at an early age, and to eternal conflict with the devil. Clever and witty, the reader will not guess the conclusion of this novel until the final paragraph.

Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! – Paranormal Comedy Coming Soon to Solstice Publishing. The second in the comedy series, this novel follows Miss Havana’s struggle in heaven’s probation and her self-appointed stint as “The Angel of Death” … until God dictates the surprise of her afterlife.

Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! Blurb: An act of selflessness lands Miss Havana in heaven’s probation, where she torments ‘The Brazilian’, her guide. She has a lot to learn, but even as she makes incremental steps of progress, her evil nature wreaks havoc. Her spirit frequently visits the surface, inhabiting an advice columnist by day and various assassins by night. She is chaos, and eventually appoints herself as the Angel of Death. The issues she confronts in the spirit are horrific, and her solutions so extreme God is forced to intervene. He rues sending her back to hell, where she will join forces with her evil daughter, Lilith, but doesn’t want her disrupting probation either. God’s solution is unique, clever and totally unexpected. Miss Havana could not anticipate her fate; nor will the reader.

Thank you, Reaper, for having me on your blog today. I hope you find your coffee cups before your next guest.