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October - 10/01/2011 to 10/31/2011
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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Date Hasn't Called

Dear Miss Havana: My date hasn’t called me back? Should I call him? Sincerely Fretting.

Dear Fretting: While this never happened to me as a living, vibrant, seductive and drop-dead gorgeous young woman, I did once consider what I might do if it ever did—shit no! Get a life. If the guy wanted to talk to you, he’d call. I know. I know. You want me to say he should light himself on fire for not calling back like he said he would, right? Everyone lies about that. Adjust! Everyone lies about everything. Would you feel better if he told the truth? Do you really want to hear that he can’t stand you, you idiot! Listen up! Just move on. No tears for you! Miss Havana

Teacher Hitting On Student

Dear Miss Havana: My teacher is hitting on me. What should I do? Please help. Concerned but Tempted.

Dear Tempted: What’s the problem, is he ugly? If not, there could be a year’s lunch money in it if you play your cards right. There’s also the possibility of a really good grade in his class. Just do what feels right. Yours. Miss Havana

Pregnant and on pills

Dear Miss Havana: I just found out I’m pregnant, even though I’ve been on birth controls all along. I’m afraid my boyfriend will leave me if I tell him. What should I do? Thank you. Blessed but Conflicted.

Dear Conflicted: This is a fairly common problem with a simple solution. You actually have to ingest those pills at regular intervals rather than just being ‘on them’, but that horse has already left the barn. Your situation could be tricky if your boyfriend has been on the same sheet with you but not on the same page, especially relative to the pills. I recommend you play a question and answer game with him, something like, ‘What has two arms, two legs and a tail?’ See if he can guess it’s his own little critter. If not, it’s time for a biology lesson. Best of luck. Miss Havana

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bad Breath

“Dear Miss Havana: My wife’s breath smells like rotten sauerkraut. It’s so bad I can no longer kiss her, and intimacy of any kind is out of the question. Is there anything I can do? Very Truly Yours, Gagging in Georgia.”

“Dear Gagging: As a former substitute teacher, I feel compelled to point out that rotten sauerkraut is repetitiously redundant. Please use one or the other, not both. That aside, there are several possibilities to consider. First, are you certain she wants intimacy with you? Maybe you’re the real problem and not her breath. Please consider that before reading further.

“Okay, since you continued, here’s an interesting fact. Wild animals don’t get gum disease. Really. Feral cats and dogs might be loaded with parasites, but they generally have beautiful teeth. The point is obvious. Eating mice and gophers promotes good dental health. Try that. On the off chance that doesn’t work, the next weapon in your arsenal should be Glade or Lysol spray. Unless, of course, your son would be tempted to steal the can to get high off the fumes. Next, assuming brushing and flossing are not permitted in your home, try spraying bleach in her mouth while she’s snoring. And if the bleach doesn't do the job, add Aquadent to her drinking water. That even works for hunting dogs, and if it can make those bastards smell better after they kill off a plate of rotten meat, your wife should be easy. Finally, doggie treats shouldn’t be ruled out, as long as they’re the kind that clean teeth while being chewed. Hope you find this helpful. Miss Havana.”

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Telling a guy it's over

Dear Miss Havana: How do you tell a guy it's over? Sincerely, Connie Conundrum

Dear Conundrum: Please feel free to use my form letter below.

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Tick those that apply

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, ___________

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Squealing During Sex

Dear Miss Havana: My neighbor squeals like a pig while having sex. I can hear this unsightly noise through the wall. How do I broach the subject with her? Sincerely, Itchy in Indiana.

Dear Itchy: Assuming I’ve read your signature block correctly, you need an invitation to her party. That could be tough because some women really don’t like to share despite the benefit of gaining a really good friend. Nevertheless, you should try to worm your way in. Be seductive and flirtatious with her, but always remember you must have her buy-in before getting his. Work your way into her heart and he’ll come along, if you get my drift. On the other hand, if I’ve misread your intent and you really want to stop the howling, try inviting your neighbor to dinner. Serve roast pork. Then, during dessert, casually bring up the pig slaughtering process. Throw in a few examples of those horrific squeals, and casually mention that those noises can penetrate apartment walls easily. Then ask if she's been killing pigs at night because it sounds like a damn slaughterhouse over there. You should have good sleep thereafter!