Constipated Wife

Dear Miss Havana: My wife spends so many hours on the toilet, I fear she might grow onto the seat. She says her bowels haven’t moved in over a week, even though she sits in the restroom for hours morning and night. When I asked if she takes anything, she replied curtly, ‘Only a book’. Is there anything I can do? Yours Truly, Desperate.

Dear Desperate: It’s called a restroom for a reason. She might not be constipated but she certainly doesn’t give a crap. If she’s trying to balance her checkbook in there, maybe she just can’t budget? Whatever you do, please do not slip her laxatives on the sly. I recently heard of a man who tried that. It made his wife so regular she defecated every morning at exactly seven. Unfortunately, she didn’t get up until eight. You need to determine the real problem. If she’s constipated, get her to a doctor. If not, find another place for a home office. Very Truly Yours, Miss Havana.