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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hot Flashes

“Dear Miss Havana: While being a woman is a joy, entering menopause isn’t! So far I’ve survived without ripping my clothes off in public, but that could change. Although I’m still hot, it comes in flashes, flushes and power surges. I feel like I’ve lost my mind, and if I hear my husband say, “Quick grab your mother some ice!” one more time there could be bloodshed. If I were a pig, I’d complain about sweating like a fat human. The sweat is pouring off me now; I need help. Sincerely, The Sweating Flasher.”

"Dear Flasher: Karma’s a bitch, but don’t sell your home heating system just yet. As Maxine said, ‘Don’t think of it as hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.’ Attitude is everything until you get through this, so avoid bloodshed by using a name tag that says: ‘Menopause in progress, please go around and do not make eye contact.’ The sign alone will give your husband pause, time to think that a scalding hot shower will cool you down but could be a threat to him. I wish I could offer a quick fix, but alas, this is one storm you’ll have to weather yourself. Black Cohosh might help, but no promises. Mostly, try to get some counseling, not for you but for your husband. By the way, it’s impossible to fool him. He won’t think he's got you excited when you turn down the air conditioner because you won’t want his hot, sweaty body anywhere near you. Regrets, Miss Havana.”

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