“Dear Miss Havana: My wife’s breath smells like rotten sauerkraut. It’s so bad I can no longer kiss her, and intimacy of any kind is out of the question. Is there anything I can do? Very Truly Yours, Gagging in Georgia.”
“Dear Gagging: As a former substitute teacher, I feel compelled to point out that rotten sauerkraut is repetitiously redundant. Please use one or the other, not both. That aside, there are several possibilities to consider. First, are you certain she wants intimacy with you? Maybe you’re the real problem and not her breath. Please consider that before reading further.
“Okay, since you continued, here’s an interesting fact. Wild animals don’t get gum disease. Really. Feral cats and dogs might be loaded with parasites, but they generally have beautiful teeth. The point is obvious. Eating mice and gophers promotes good dental health. Try that. On the off chance that doesn’t work, the next weapon in your arsenal should be Glade or Lysol spray. Unless, of course, your son would be tempted to steal the can to get high off the fumes. Next, assuming brushing and flossing are not permitted in your home, try spraying bleach in her mouth while she’s snoring. And if the bleach doesn't do the job, add Aquadent to her drinking water. That even works for hunting dogs, and if it can make those bastards smell better after they kill off a plate of rotten meat, your wife should be easy. Finally, doggie treats shouldn’t be ruled out, as long as they’re the kind that clean teeth while being chewed. Hope you find this helpful. Miss Havana.”