Long Nose Hairs

Dear Miss Havana. My husband lets his nose hairs grow to the point they look like bottle brushes. He refuses to trim them. What can I do? Sincerely, Not Tickled

Dear Not Tickled. Yeeeuch! I can see why this might bother you, but here’s a quick and easy solution. Wait until he’s asleep, and then fire up your trusty butane cigarette lighter. Depending on nose hair density, a controlled burn could be tricky. You’ll need to be quick because the conflagration could crown, but it is possible to completely clear both nostrils before he’s fully awake. You can do the ears later. By the way, the same approach works for toenails, but I recommend a small propane torch for that. Just remember to pull up the sheets far enough to avoid a bedroom blaze. After all, a proper lady should never singe her hair.