Dear Miss Havana: I need help. My girlfriend claims I’m an inside joke—the kind she gets when I'm inside her. She gets more insulting by the day. Is there anything I can do? Downtrodden in Denver
Dear Downtrodden: Yes, I see the problem. She doesn’t like you, but she’s letting you hang around until she can find something better. This is simple economics. The market is flooded with low-cost, high-quality penis. Just look around. As a result, demand for your services has gone down, way down. That’s the nature of competition. It’s frigging great for the free market, but sucks for you. But don't worry because I've got an answer for that. Marketing. You have the package and the product practically sells itself, but with so many on the shelf, what makes yours stand out? I'm not saying you need to buy a belt buckle that says, "Open for Business", but strapping something on under those loose-fitting pants that will draw a little attention wouldn’t hurt. Learn a line or two, and be creative.
P.S. In case you’re too slow to notice, I didn’t say a damn thing about trying to save a relationship that has already gone down the toilet.
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